


The Ducktails of Chateaux de Lioncourt

by iceprinceloki



Category: Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Armand is nuts, Gen, OR IS HE, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rubber Ducks, Spoof, Ultimate Sacrifice, Vampire Chronicles, bringing back the 90's, louis might be a few nuts shy of a fruit cake, might be, speculative fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22293313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceprinceloki/pseuds/iceprinceloki
Summary: There's something afoot in the chateaux, but what could it possibly be? What evil could be on the rise? And what will our hero's do to combat the madness?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	The Ducktails of Chateaux de Lioncourt

**Author's Note:**

> a friend sent me a video of this guy talking about his duck prank on his flatmates, and i had to do this, can't find the video though but as soon as i do i'll put a link here.

It all started out rather small, the odd thing here or there that didn’t fit in with the decor. Then it slowly became an infestation of tiny, yellow, squishy, squeaky rubber…….duckies! Marius was losing his mind. He thought he was imagining the thimble sized ducks until Alessandra inquired about them and Barbara complained bitterly about how many her staff were finding al around the chateaux.

‘Every night we clean them out and the next night there’s double the amount scattered and hidden everywhere!!!’ Barbara said testily to the council and prince. ‘I don’t care how you resolve this but do it and fast!’

Marius felt far too old for this sort of nonsense when one night he awoke to find what appeared to be an army of vampire ducks. Crude fangs glued on and drips of blood painted on their faces and tiny black capes tied around their necks. These were hand sized as opposed to the previous thimble sized ducks.

The ducks were arranged in neat lines travelling down the grand staircase, and leading the troops a duck painted to match their prince Lestat, complete with a tuft of blond hair on its head under a golden crown and blue eyes.

‘Oh dear…..’ Marius sighed as he slowly gazed up the staircase; there must be thousands on the stairs alone he thought.

Marius, Lestat, Louis, Allesandra and David all followed the ducks up the staircase and around the corner through a passageway, up more stairs and finally into one of the apartments reserved for Lestat’s dearest friends. This one, Marius realized with a groan, belonged to his fledgling; Armand.

The door was open and they slowly followed the trail into the room towards the bathroom where the ducks began to get smaller and smaller as they got closer and closer to the bathtub, where it seemed the ducks were originating from the bathtub drain. Inside the bath were more Captain Ducks, as Louis jokingly called them, these ones made to look like Marius, Allesandra, and David.

‘Well. I guess Armand has finally lost the plot……’ David said uncertainly, breaking the tense silence.

‘This is ridiculous…It’s like a little army of vampire ducks….’ Allesandra said, looking amused but concerned.

‘Marius, why on earth is your spawn putting an army of vampire ducks all over the chateaux?’ Lestat asked looking irritated.

Marius grimaced and died a little inside. ‘I don’t know Lestat, but I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this.’

They left Armand’s rooms and went in search of the little red haired vampire. They found the other inhabitants of the household had discovered the army and were laughing and joking with each other about them. Lestat asked that the other vampires, whose numbers totalled around 600, to please collect all of the rubber ducks and dispose of them. The young vampires quickly did as their prince bade them and by morning there wasn’t a rubber duck in sight.

Despite their best efforts they didn’t find Armand that night, no one had seen him and they went down to the crypt for the day with no idea of what would happen the next night.

As it turned out the next night they saw no rubber ducks anywhere and breathed a huge sigh of relief until of course they went outside. The army of vampire rubber ducks were outside, and had surrounded the house. They had weapons now. Small twigs were glued to their sides in imitation of guns or swords.

The council stood on the porch and stared in horror at the millions of ducks that surrounded the chateaux. Louis suddenly burst out laughing, incapable of speech, he pointed to a group of ducks who were surrounding a new scene. A red haired vampire duck was standing over the Lestat Duck, the Lestat Duck was tied to a pyre. The surrounding ducks seemed to be celebrating his imminent demise, as they wore party hats.

Lestat’s jaw dropped and he stared in shock at the scene. ‘Is that a threat?!’

‘Oh it can’t be!’ Allesandra exclaimed. ‘Armand would never hurt the prince! Even if they had their rivalry, you’ve both outgrown those childish grudges.’

‘Apparently Armand didn’t get that memo…..’ David said nervously, eyeing Lestat as his maker appeared to be close to losing his temper.

‘Find Armand tonight!!!!’ Lestat roared at them, this time addressing the younger inhabitants of the coven house.

They didn’t find him that night; again the ducks were cleared out, this time being burned in a pyre. Marius watched to ensure every single one was gone. They went to their rest for the day, even more anxious of what the night would hold.

The scene they found when they woke up was in the middle of the ballroom. It was comprised of a multitude of ducks arranged in circles, vampire ducks with party hats on. Confetti was all over the room and in the middle of the circles was a raised platform with a white archway, a vampire priest duck and two ducks apparently getting married. One clearly made to look like Armand and the other to look like Louis. Below them a pyre where the remains of Lestat Duck sat charred and melted.

They slowly moved away from Lestat as his face went redder and redder. He hissed at them without turning around. ‘If you don’t find him tonight I will burn all of you on a pyre!!!!’

Louis sat down on the outside of the circle, plucked a party hat off of one of the ducks and put it on his index finger, then sat and smiled at the marrying ducks. Lestat stared at him, too shocked to be angry.

‘Louis…what are you doing?’ David said nervously.

Louis looked up in surprise. ‘It’s my wedding; I should get to enjoy it!’

Lestat turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, the rest of the council, except Louis, walking out behind him and throwing odd looks at the princes consort.

Daniel found them in the council chamber later that night and dragged his maker in behind him. ‘I found him; he was chilling in his duck infested bathtub this whole time.’

Armand looked at them and smiled happily. ‘Hi!’ He waved playfully.

Marius stood from the table where they’d been having their meeting and walked down to meet them. ‘Armand we need to have a little talk about the ducks.’

Armand blinked at his former master in confusion. ‘But master….I am five hundred years old, I know all about the ducks by now? Remember when I was mortal you sent me to the brothels-’

Marius shook his head in disdain. ‘No child, the rubber ducks.’

‘Aw Marius it’s so kind of you to worry about if I’m being safe or not!’ Armand gushed innocently.

Daniel rubbed his face tiredly. ‘The ducks are not a metaphor for the birds and bees Armand.’

‘Then what ducks could you possibly be talking about?!’ Armand looked and sounded genuinely confused.

‘The ducks that have been infesting the chateaux for the last two weeks!’ Lestat snapped finally, glaring at his adolescent rival. ‘The ones that originated from your bathtub drain!!!!’

Armand shrugged and looked at Marius. ‘Is he okay? I think he’s gone and lost another screw…we should keep an eye on that, mad princes and kings have never been great for kingdoms. Last I checked ducks don’t come from drains….’

Marius couldn’t do this anymore, he needed to retire, and soon. ‘Child of mine there were ducks arranged in an army formation coming out of your bathtub, following Lestat.’

‘There were rubber ducks following Lestat around the chateaux!?’ Armand looked horrified.

‘Not the real Lestat, a duck made to look like Lestat.’ Daniel groaned.

‘So what does that have to do with me?’ Armand continued to play dumb.

Lestat growled and stood up slowly, looking like he might deck the smaller vampire. ‘They came from your bathtub!!!’

‘Ohh those ducks!’ Armand said looking like he just understood.

‘Yes those ducks.’ Marius confirmed.

‘Really those ducks?’

‘Yes Armand! Really those ducks! Your ducks!’ Daniel put an end to the back and forth before it could get into swing.

Armand gave his fledgling a dirty look. ‘You’re a little grouchy aren’t you? You should celebrate more.’

Armand rummaged in his pocket and pulled out one of the tiny party hats, the same ones that the ducks had been wearing. He handed it to his fledgling and smiled like he’d just done an amazing feat.

‘That is the party hat the ducks were wearing.’ Allesandra said to Armand. ‘Why do you have one if you aren’t guilty?’

‘I went to a lovely party.’ Armand said with a shrug.

‘Where?’ David asked dubiously.

Armand scoffed. ‘At the hosts home. Duh.’

‘Where does the host live?’ David tried again.

‘In his home? Geez David keep up!’ Armand gave David a disparaging look.

David opened and closed his mouth like a fish before finally taking a seat at the table and covering his face with his hands.

Marius intervened before things could get uglier. ‘Armand, why are there ducks all over the chateaux?’

Armand gasped, scandalized. ‘There are ducks in the chateaux?! And none of you thought to share this knowledge with me?’

Marius groaned and tried again. ‘Armand they’re not real-’

‘You know I love ducks!!!’ Armand turned tearful and betrayed eyes to his maker. ‘How could you keep this from me?! I love to feed them and watch their chicks run in a row behind them!’

Marius tried to interject but Armand was quicker. ‘No! I don’t want to hear it! You just don’t want me to be happy do you?! I see how it is!’

Louis pitched in then and they all hoped for a rational word as Louis was well known for being the intellectual and reasonable one. Unfortunately they were let down. ‘I can’t believe you don’t want Armand to be happy Marius! You know he loves ducks!’ Louis came down from the table to hug the red haired vampire.

Marius held his head between his hands and stared at the two seemingly insane vampires. ‘Since when does he love ducks!? I have never known Armand to love ducks. I doubt he as even seen a duck in real life!’

Louis gasped, horrified. ‘Are you duck shaming him!?’

David’s head banged on the table as his last hopes were shattered. Daniel turned and walked out of the room looking traumatised. Allesandra clutched her handkerchief to her breast in dismay. They all looked to Marius for guidance as the oldest among them.

‘I have been kept in the duck for too long on this matter!’ Armand proclaimed.

‘Don’t you mean in the dark?’ David whimpered desperate for some kind of normality.

Armand glared at them all. ‘Now that I know your nefarious plan to make me miserable by keeping me from the ducks of the chateaux I can start to play with a full duck!’

‘A full deck…..’ David whispered to comfort himself. ‘The term is a full deck.’

Armand and Louis glowered at him. Louis took Armand by the hand. ‘We are going to travel feather away from this horrible place!’

Armand took one final shot at Lestat. ‘Mallard, we shall meet again of the field of battle consider this my ducktum!’

‘Dictum. You mean dictum!!’ David finally lost it.

Louis glared over his shoulder at David. 'That's a bad word.'


End file.
